Imagine a sports hall filled with sweating CGI artists, slaving away behind their computer screens. On a raised dais stands director Alex Proyas, cracking his whip and raising his voice: “I want bigger pyramids! Bigger, you assholes!”
The youngsters Brenton Thwaites and Courtney Eaton, playing the lovers Bek and Zaya, stand to the side. Proyas glances at them. “Don’t you worry, loves, I’ve got some dialogue that makes you two sound like bloody Romeo and Juliet in a proper stage play. It’ll sound bloody rich and dramatic, so you won’t need to act.”
I could write countless paragraphs on how bad this movie is. And I will. But first I have to say that I love it. Whenever this will be on the TV in the future, I will have to see it, because it is so bad that it’s good. I can’t say this for other CGI fests such as Clash of the Titans (2010), which looks similar but left me bored. Gods of Egypt is enjoyable. I laughed throughout and when the theatre put in a break (some of them do, around here), I was excited for the movie to start again, because I wanted to see more. More dramatic visuals and wacky ideas!
Say what you want about movies like these, but of the two horrendous Gerard Butler films of this month (London Has Fallen and Gods of Egypt) spelling the guy’s doom as an actor (I’m calling it now), Gods of Egypt at least isn’t burdened with politically insensitive bullshit. It is harmless fun. It is horrible though, absolute drivel.
The plot, gods. (literally.) Gerard Butler plays the god Set who usurps the throne of Horus (Nicolaj Coster-Waldau) and steals his eyes. Horus then makes a deal with a mortal who is to steal his eyes back for him in return for getting his girlfriend back from the underworld. It is confusingly delivered and running from one set piece to the next, but somehow still more consistent in tone than Jupiter Ascending (2014). The acting… the actors just do something. I guess they didn’t really know what to do with these roles and they weren’t given much direction either. They’re just lumbering around the set and mindlessly reciting their lines.
But if you’d like to see Geoffrey Rush bursting into flames and growing twice his size, while on a cosmic boat that pulls the sun across the heavens, by all means go see this movie. If you’d like to see Gerard Butler riding a chariot through the sky pulled by two giant beetles and bleeding blood of gold, go see this movie. There is even a laser shooting up into the sky, aaaa! like every tacky Hollywood movie requires to have. Butler stands on an obelisk the size of the Burj Khalifa, shooting his laser while Galactus from that Silver Surfer movie devours the Nile.
I am afraid that the target audience lived 4500 years ago. If you’d transport an Egyptian priest to this day and show him the movie, his heart would fail but he would have wet dreams. For the rest of us, I’m afraid that we can only do a double take every 5 minutes to keep up with the plot, or just zone out and look at the shiny golden computer images. I’d watch a sequel though.